Slow News Day

Basking In The Trivial

60 Days In, Everyone Out

By 6 Comments

You guys, I dropped the “60 Days In” ball. I got sidetracked working on articles that I actually get paid for. FORGIVE ME. I missed a couple of recaps of 60DI but they were the boring light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel episodes where all of our fake prisoners got out of jail. Tonight is the real show-down, where the entire “cast” meet up for the first time in the free world.

Every day is drama day for Officer Tami.

Every day is drama day for Officer Tami.

But here’s what we missed:

D Pod continues to be the seventh layer of hell, and Zac is determined to let Scottie and Jamey know the gory details as soon as he’s released. So Zac sits down for a poorly edited segment in which he gets out of jail looking like shit, miraculously showers, shaves, and changes, meets with the Sheriffs, and then finally gets to a hotel looking like unshaved shit again. Jefferson County is a magical place. Anyway, Zac’s big bombshell is that the inmates have all sorts of weapons in D Pod, especially hidden in the florescent lighting fixtures.

Thanks to this revelation, Scottie and Jamey conduct an extensive search and upon finding a pointy toothbrush, claim mission accomplished. The search is over. All is well. Back to our Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

I’ve never been to jail, but something tells me that there might be more than one shiv in D Pod. These folks only found a prisoner’s forbidden cellphone after it started ringing. I’ve had more comprehensive searches leaving a Costco.

Babar has suddenly found her voice and told everyone to shut up at night. She actually did a great job of getting the ladies’ pod to compromise on letting each other sleep in peace. I hope Babar does not put these new skills to use burning copies of Harry Potter. On her big pow wow with Jamey and Scottie, Babar said that her best friends back in jail should be put to work. Give ’em chores! Make ’em sweat! And also, she loves those lady criminals with all her heart.

Isaiah went home to his mom determined never to go back to jail. He’s a good kid with a great parent. If nothing else, 60DI might have helped this sweetheart stay on the straight and narrow. We sincerely wish sweet Isaiah all the best!

Speaking of sweet and sane, Maryum joyfully departed the jail while Tami watched with her shark eyes, jealous and angry. But we’ll get to crazy Tami. Maryum grabbed some grass and headed to her hotel for some fresh fruit, fresh air, and prayer. Maryum is the picture of healthy self-care. I suspect she’s a great social worker. I hope this experience enhances her work, and I really hope she keeps creating controversial artwork challenging the status quo.

Tami got out of jail, thank God (for the women of Pod F.) “I literally feel like it’s been years, YEARS that I’ve been in there.”

Ugh. Most people hop in the escape van and are laughing and beaming and thrilled. Tami, however, needed to silently cry for what seemed like days. She was unable to form words, her two months in jail were so traumatic. This woman was supposed to be a cop. How is all of this so fucking hard for Tami when military wife Babar was skipping out of jail, happy as a Tea Party butterfly? Tami’s dramatics exhaust me.

I was, however, quite happy to see Tami reunited with her wonderful family, who arrived with signs and balloons. How great is Tami’s wife and how the hell did that happen?

It’s abundantly clear that none of the feedback offered by the fake prisoners and promoted as the whole point of this fabulous show will ever be implemented by anyone at Jefferson County Jail. “Drugs under the food trays, you say? Well, as long as its not heroin. Anyway, thanks and goodbye.”

Will the drama cease now that everyone is back to normal, away from the cold concrete of jail? According to the reunion previews, no! Tami and Babar are holding onto their Maryum grudge harder than Jeff holding on to his blankie. Tami even storms off, in either anger or as an audition for her next reality show gig. Either way, we’ll be watching.

DiAundre better make a cameo in the "60 Days In" reunion.

DiAundre better make a cameo in the “60 Days In” reunion.

  • CoachWristletJen

    Congrats on the new gig, Beth!

    Not sure how much to spoil here but I was surprised at how much Tami and Babar were still holding onto their stupid, crazy arguments during their final Q&A panel thing. Maryum makes one offhand comment, in an attempt to diffuse a situation (which was more than either of the two of THEM were doing), and they still cannot let it go. They’re acting STUPID.

    Maryum apologizes AGAIN for said offhand comment, and they still cannot let it go. It’s a comment that never would have been brought to the poor victim’s attention, had not Tami loudly and awkwardly and repeatedly insisted on doing so. And, even sitting in their comfy chairs, they worry to this day about how Maryum’s comment might have scarred this poor girl for life. We literally got to watch these crazy clowns get worked up over absolutely NOTHING and stay worked up about it right before our very eyes.

    I agree that Maryum is indeed probably a very good social worker. She held her own quite well in jail ~ without the meltdowns or petty antics of the other two. Meanwhile, Tami and Babar continue to rant and murmur, “That Maryum walks around like she thinks she’s such hot stuff, just because she’s STABLE!”

  • Buffo

    None of the players seem to have used their experiences to evolve. Most of them do realize jail is icky, boohoo. I don’t think any of them come out of this looking very good, and there isn’t one of them I’d like to have lunch with.

    Apparently they’re working on a new season, full of even worse totally scripted stuff that the fake inmates can pretend to discover. Then the phony prison guards can pretend they’ll be making changes.

    It’s going to suck, but it will still be better than Sister Wives, because everything is.

  • CoachWristletJen

    Yeah Sister Wives plugs the heck out of the Catfish scandal only to spend like 4 minutes an episode on it. Besides Meri is a sympathetic family whose only mistake is throwing her love and energy into the pursuits of a shaggy-haired loser.

    Tami is an air quotes leader, a leader whom nobody will follow.

    Jeff would be a terrible prison guard who would let the inmates escape for approval. And his complete lack of discernment causes him to get his ire up over all the wrong things. Like defending his wretched decision on TV.

    Who aspires to be a prison guard anyway? Isn’t that a little like aspiring to work at McDonald’s with triple the danger factor?

    BTW, Jeff’s doppelganger is alive and well and managing our friendly neighborhood Cosi. It was the first time we ever walked in and found things to be a disorganized havoc. Oh, the stuff we saw. I didn’t have to make the identification. I just whispered to my husband, “Look!” And he immediately recognized the Jeff twin plus the incompetence he had wrecked on the restaurant on numerous ocassions (my Caribbean spaghetti squash bowl was ALL wrong!). It caused me to wonder if there was some gene that caused general incompetence and manifested itself in certain distinct physical attributes.

  • Shaina Destine

    Everything about Tami is all the things that I hate in (bad) cops. She has a persistent air of “if you don’t allow me to constantly feel better than you (which she thinks is the same as respect), I will rage and make life difficult for you in any way I can”. Also, something about her screams prejudiced… I don’t know.

    • CoachWristletJen

      I agree about prejudiced ~ Tami and Barbara both. Especially Barbara!

    • JayK

      I do think Maryum was unlikeble to them on some level because she was black. Or should I clarify how dare a black person behave like she does? They’d have gotten quite the shock when they left and found out who she actually was.