60 Days In, Everyone Out

You guys, I dropped the “60 Days In” ball. I got sidetracked working on articles that I actually get paid for. FORGIVE ME. I missed a couple of recaps of 60DI but they were the boring light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel episodes where all of our fake prisoners got out of jail. Tonight is the real show-down, where the entire “cast” meet up for the first time in the free world.

But here’s what we missed:

D Pod continues to be the seventh layer of hell, and Zac is determined to let Scottie and Jamey know the gory details as soon as he’s released. So Zac sits down for a poorly edited segment in which he gets out of jail looking like shit, miraculously showers, shaves, and changes, meets with the Sheriffs, and then finally gets to a hotel looking like unshaved shit again. Jefferson County is a magical place. Anyway, Zac’s big bombshell is that the inmates have all sorts of weapons in D Pod, especially hidden in the florescent lighting fixtures.

Thanks to this revelation, Scottie and Jamey conduct an extensive search and upon finding a pointy toothbrush, claim mission accomplished. The search is over. All is well. Back to our Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

I’ve never been to jail, but something tells me that there might be more than one shiv in D Pod. These folks only found a prisoner’s forbidden cellphone after it started ringing. I’ve had more comprehensive searches leaving a Costco.

Babar has suddenly found her voice and told everyone to shut up at night. She actually did a great job of getting the ladies’ pod to compromise on letting each other sleep in peace. I hope Babar does not put these new skills to use burning copies of Harry Potter. On her big pow wow with Jamey and Scottie, Babar said that her best friends back in jail should be put to work. Give ’em chores! Make ’em sweat! And also, she loves those lady criminals with all her heart.

Isaiah went home to his mom determined never to go back to jail. He’s a good kid with a great parent. If nothing else, 60DI might have helped this sweetheart stay on the straight and narrow. We sincerely wish sweet Isaiah all the best!

Speaking of sweet and sane, Maryum joyfully departed the jail while Tami watched with her shark eyes, jealous and angry. But we’ll get to crazy Tami. Maryum grabbed some grass and headed to her hotel for some fresh fruit, fresh air, and prayer. Maryum is the picture of healthy self-care. I suspect she’s a great social worker. I hope this experience enhances her work, and I really hope she keeps creating controversial artwork challenging the status quo.

Tami got out of jail, thank God (for the women of Pod F.) “I literally feel like it’s been years, YEARS that I’ve been in there.”

Ugh. Most people hop in the escape van and are laughing and beaming and thrilled. Tami, however, needed to silently cry for what seemed like days. She was unable to form words, her two months in jail were so traumatic. This woman was supposed to be a cop. How is all of this so fucking hard for Tami when military wife Babar was skipping out of jail, happy as a Tea Party butterfly? Tami’s dramatics exhaust me.

I was, however, quite happy to see Tami reunited with her wonderful family, who arrived with signs and balloons. How great is Tami’s wife and how the hell did that happen?

It’s abundantly clear that none of the feedback offered by the fake prisoners and promoted as the whole point of this fabulous show will ever be implemented by anyone at Jefferson County Jail. “Drugs under the food trays, you say? Well, as long as its not heroin. Anyway, thanks and goodbye.”

Will the drama cease now that everyone is back to normal, away from the cold concrete of jail? According to the reunion previews, no! Tami and Babar are holding onto their Maryum grudge harder than Jeff holding on to his blankie. Tami even storms off, in either anger or as an audition for her next reality show gig. Either way, we’ll be watching.