With only a week to go in their eight week stay, only five fake inmates remain – although Tami is about to require her own padded cell. But we’ll start with the boys because they’re the most boring.
After his highly publicized smoking of coffee, Isaiah gets a much needed visit from his mom, and she is awesome. I was super impressed with Isaiah’s mom. She had him when she was 13, and is thus not the mother of the older brother in jail. She reminded Isaiah that he’s not in jail and doesn’t need to completely fit in. Isaiah agrees and is back on the straight and narrow.
Zac has taken to giving inmates life advice, and was involved in a much-hyped and altogether boring hooch investigation. I though jail alcohol was called Prune-O. Is hooch different? Anyway, where are the inmates getting all of this rotting fruit to make their hooch? Presumably, sugar (hooch’s other main ingredient) is found in readily available packets. But where’s the cornucopia of overripe fruit? I haven’t seen any fruit on food trays, have you?
Following his constipation skit, Robert was taken to the hospital where he was released after four hours. Everyone knows that four hours is standard emergency room wait time. They took one look at Robert and were like, “There is nothing PHYSICALLY wrong with you. Be gone.”
Refusing to reveal what medicine he was given and listing his illness as an “undiagnosed condition”, Robert LOLs his way through some reading material in Jefferson County’s fanciest hotel before donning his brightest shirt and tie combo, complete with suspenders, and heading to a fabulous confrontation with Sheriff’s Scottie and Jamey.
Sidebar: Scottie Maples announced on Twitter that he’s been elected as an Indiana State Convention Delegate for the GOP. While it is not surprising that an adult who goes by “Scottie” is a active Republican, I hope that the beautiful union of Tami and her wife have perhaps opened Scottie’s eyes to the all-too-American concept of equality.
Anyway, Jamey finally asked Robert the question we’ve all been wondering, which is basically, “Are you clinically insane?” Robert replied in the negative, but Robert also seems to be perpetually auditioning for the role of villain in a small town community theater production, so who knows. I bet the ER staff who worked on Robert’s fake constipation would like to chime in on Jamey’s question.
Even though he totally chickened out, Robert maintained that jail is a “sheer treat” and doesn’t regard it as a deterrent at all. He’d love another vacation – opps! I mean jail! This suspender-filled transaction was more painful to watch than Robert faking anal pain, and mainly just consisted of Robert being awful. The only time Robert was more awful was when he interrupted the jail prayer meeting to disparage child molesters.
OH WAIT! Did we all notice Robert’s wrist grab handshake like he’s a Viking or a Hell’s Angel? Who does that outside the Renaissance Faire? Robert. Robert does that.
The ladies of Pod F got a new roommate in the form of Jessica, who may or may not be pregnant. She definitely does suffer from mental illness, and Babar, a person with no experience in anything ever, has taken it upon herself to be Jessica’s keeper. I suspect Babar knows she has a week left on TV and is trying to Florence Nightingale her way through the last seven days.
While Jessica’s pregnancy has not been confirmed, she takes two food trays anyway prompting much ballyhoo from the Pod’s angrier residents. Drama ensues, and Maryum, the sane artist, tried to remind everyone that Jessica is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and to relax. Maryum used the term, “small yellow bus” (translated into regular people perms: short bus) to subtly put things in perspective, and Babar was instantly offended. Once Babar got offended, Tami LOST HER FUCKING MIND! Tami turned into the Incredible Hulk and ripped her giant sweatshirt from her chest. Babar is upset! The term “short bus” was used in reference to a mental ill criminal! Tami must confront the situation with her twitchy shark eyes immediately!
Maryum is like, “That was the wrong phrase to use, I apologize. But I work with people like this all the time. It’s not a huge deal.” Tami was too busy hysterically swinging from jail cell to jail cell, while Babar kept stirring her cauldron of unnecessary drama.
Tami became so unhinged that she is beginning to reveal snippets of her real identity to other criminals. If all preview clips are any indication, the results (for everyone) are disastrous. Until then, my 60 Day Friends, I wish you two food trays for every meal.