Ermergerd, the weddings have begun. Last night’s 2-hour episode left me feeling a roller-coaster of emotions, including sheer rage – mainly due to the fact that Paul Dolce, Esquire hasn’t been hired by SHARP ENTERTAINMENT as the official 90 Day Fiance Legal Counsel. They got some legit-looking guy in Baltimore. Ugh.
Alexei and Loren: Loren’s BFF is flying n from Buffalo, so you know this chick is down to party, Boca Raton-style. It’s Loren’s bachelorette weekend, and the best part of the entire transaction was her sister’s epic side-eye and zero-fucks bemusement at the dramatics. BFF Sarah is blonde Loren, which is to say she owns a lot of Juicy Couture and likes to raise the roof. Upon Sarah’s arrival, there was an abundance of high-fiving and adjusting sunglasses atop flat-ironed hair. Alexei, who seems perpetually stoned, made it very clear he didn’t want any type of strippers to be a part of Loren’s much-anticipated bachelorette weekend, which demonstrates just how little he knows about her. Hello, Alexei? She has a plush pink high-heel shoe chair in her Princess bedroom. Loren is going to a strip club and drinking out of a plastic penis straw. She’s been waiting 27 years to be ‘that girl’ and it’s going to fucking happen this weekend in Boca, bitches!
Meanwhile, the sister pulls up her front row seat for the shit show, takes a gnaw of beef jerky, and does a shot of Patron.
While off at the strip club, Alexei texts Loren who maturely hands her best friend her phone and instructs the BFF to deal with the fiancé. As generally happens with these types of ladies, there is lots of crying in a Florida parking lot. Alexei was oddly mad about the stripper thing, which is to say he deadpanned to Loren with about 15% energy, “I seriously look at booking ticket home.”
Loren’s mom decided to chime in by announcing that she is “not happy” that Loren and Alexei are fighting about bachelorette weekend strip-club attendance. If these two can’t get along, she’s not paying for a big wedding, to which Loren responds that she and Alexei know a happiness her mother and father have never known. “You and Daddy are miserable! etc. etc.” Loren reminded me of the time I considered calling 911 on my mother for not letting me get a second ear-piercing. I was not ready to get married then, kind of like how Loren is not ready to get married now. As it stands now, the wedding is still on. BARELY.
Kyle and Noon: Before their big day, Kyle and Noon make the trek to Michigan to reconnect with Kyle’s mom, who he hasn’t seen in 10 years. Kyle never really explained to Noon exactly why he hasn’t visited his mom in a decade, but it became evident at their reunion at Kyle’s aunt Missy’s house. Kyle’s mom is a very long-term, non-functioning alcoholic.
Oh God, where do we go with this one? The whole Michigan segment was very painful, and like many of you, I have personal experience with alcoholism and addiction. (I’m a recovering Kyle’s mom, not a Kyle.) My take-away from this portion of the show was that Kyle is amazingly well-adjusted for having been at-least partially raised by such a legitimately sick woman, and Noon has an incredibly kind spirit. As painful as this was to watch, the Kyle’s mom moment turned me into a huge supporter of Kyle and Noon.
Which is a good thing, because they just had the cutest wedding EVER! These two tied the knot at the Thai Buddhist temple Kyle found in New Orleans. Noon threw on like, one swipe of eye-liner and suddenly she is the hottest, most gorgeous person ever to appear on national television. Noon is truly gorgeous on the inside and out, and I am genuinely happy that Noon and Kyle have found a family in each other. TOUCHING 90DF MOMENT.
Fernando and Carolina: In addition to dealing with an ice-cold mother-in-law and ice-cold air conditioning, Carolina must also deal with her discovery of women’s underwear in Fernando’s closet. Ruh Roh. Fernandito claims that he can’t remember where the women’s panties came from, that’s how old they are. In Fernandito’s defense, the panties did look very Bush Administration. ZING!
Mama Fernando returns by gloriously instructing Carolina to clean the bathroom and scrub he toilets, and then complains that she cleans like a baby.
“Why you clean like a baby?” asks Mama Fernando. What exactly is the answer she’s looking for, here? Carolina is as perplexed as the rest of us.
Also, I love how Mama Fernando is the Lord of the Manor but it’s becoming more and more clear that Fernando pays for everything and lets his eclectic collection of family and fiancés live there. For example, did you know that Mama Fernando served hard time? I’ll wait while you review that link and pick yourself up off the floor. Let me gather my newfound respect for Mama Fernando and officially apologize for anything I ever wrote about her. Please don’t shiv me, Mama Fernando!
Carolina decides to take Mama Fernando outside for a heart-to-heart, but Mama Fernando plays by prison rules and announces that it’s too soon for the two women of the house to get along. “Maybe I talk bad about you,” threatens Mama Fernando while kiting a note to the one neighbor that she does speak to.
Josh and Aleksandra: Once again, Aleksandra’s parents prove that they are the most normal and sane people ever to appear on American reality television. I kept watching these two wondering why America ever had a problem with Russia. How could we have been in the Cold War with Svetlana and Vlad? They’re delightful! Even though they’re concerned about their daughter marrying a Mormon in the middle of fucking nowhere, Aleksandra’s parents bring a continental touch of class and rationale to the otherwise odd proceedings. Svetlana is appropriately tearful when seeing her daughter in her modest wedding gown, while Josh’s mom counts the loops in her wall-to-wall carpeting and waits to die.
The wedding took place in some sort of staircase, great hall-type space where it appeared everyone sat at dining tables while watching the ceremony. Immediately after saying their ‘I Dos’, Josh and Aleksandra took to the dance floor for an awkward choreographed dance wherein Aleksandra said goodbye to her dream of marrying a dancer and hello to her reality of marrying maybe-gay Josh. You guys, maybe Josh isn’t gay. Perhaps he’s just untouched by the cultural pressures of displaying one’s masculinity in a certain way because he was raised by two Jesus Robots. ‘Tis not for us to say, but I think we all wish the best for Aleksandra. In the great words of Lee Ann Womack, I hope you dance.
Melanie and Devar: All we see of this future lawsuit is Melanie and Margarita Bev getting their hair done for the wedding. Margarita Bev prepares for the worst while getting a bow placed in her hair like an angry child. I love you, Margarita Bev!
Mark and Nikki: Dear God, it just gets worse. Nikki googles ‘cheap wedding dresses’ and managed to find $10 “gowns” online. Needless to say, Mark is like, “Buy it! Anything for you!” Since these two lovebirds aren’t getting along, Mark takes Nikki on a romantic trip to New York City where he instructs her to look at some real wedding dresses and get ANYTHING she wants – for her Hawaiian wedding. (Since when are these two having a Hawaiian wedding?) Mark drops Nikki off with the world’s most HARD SELL bridal sales associate who puts Nikki into a $2300 corset-style wedding gown which was admittedly baller. So Nikki calls Mark, who has nothing else to do in the world’s greatest city but wait on the sidewalk. Mark comes up to the second story bridal shop and sees Nikki in her dress, only to have the reaction Mama Fernando had when Fernandito said he was going to marry a Colombian.
The sales lady is like, “The dress is ONLY $2300 and she really wants it and if you don’t buy it for her, you don’t really love each other. In fact, don’t get married.” Based on Mark’s shitty response to his whole idea of wedding dress shopping, Nikki says she needs to think about it and goes back to Maryland with Mark. The next thing she knows, he’s dragged her out to the dock to present a 19-year old with a legal contract effectively committing her to indentured servitude. Legally, Nikki can’t sign the document without getting a lawyer to explain it to her, and Mark’s version of, “You could become a supermodel and I’d get nothing” isn’t really cutting it.
To everyone’s disappointment, Nikki does not make her way to Ohio’s premiere legal counsel of Mr. Paul Dolce, Attorney at Law, but rather goes to a real lawyer’s office. I spent summers working in my father’s law office, which paired with decades of Law & Order episodes, is the extent of my legal knowledge. But I can say with great confidence that Nikki’s insta-lawyer knew what he was talking about. No, her name should not go on the deed to Mark’s house, but if he’s so hell bent on the caveat of a pre-nup, Mark should include a line item in which, in the unfortunate event of the demise of the marriage, Nikki gets her car and $5,000. As it stands, if (excuse me, when) these two get divorced, Nikki will effectively be homeless.
Nikki’a lawyer looks straight into the camera and says, “This marriage is a horrible idea.” So Nikki goes back to Mark and asks what would happen if she doesn’t sign it. Mark responds that if Nikki doesn’t sign the contract, they can be thankful for the precious moments they’ve had and she’ll be on the next flight to Manila. As my co-editor Eve would say, “Mark is a garbage human.”
Lest we forget, and we shall never forget, Mark is a 58-year old man trying to marry a 19-year old woman from another country. On their first “date”, he informed her of his pre-nup prerequisite, which leads me to believe that they didn’t just meet in a bar over Mai Tais. Obviously, Mark selected Nikki on a mail-order bride site (was this mentioned before?) and is manipulating a sexy teenager who, by his own admission, could be his granddaughter.
Nikki signs the pre-nup. Thousands of viewers scream at their television screens. And we anxiously await next week’s episode, where Melanie finally marries Devar and Nikki is 40 minutes late to her own wedding. Here’s hoping she’s 40 years late. Let me know what I missed in the comments, nerds. And until next time, my 90 Day Friends, may all of your commercial breaks be brief.