“What is 90 Day Fiance?” my mother dared to ask me.
90DF is the most important show on television and it airs on TLC Sunday nights at 9pm. You can go ahead and set your DVR right now. Basically, “couples” who meet though various international means (mail order bride) and thanks to the United States’ K1 Visa, have 90 days once the foreigner has entered the US to get legally married. Cameras follow their magical tales. (You can catch up on our previous 90DF recaps here.)
We’re going to recap the Season 2 Premiere, and then discuss the “Where Are They Now?’ from Season 1, because PAO AND RUSS.
Let’s meet the Season 2 couples:
Chelsea and Yamir: Chelsea is 25 and from rural Illinois. She was volunteering in Nicaragua (which she pronounces very dramatically) when she met and fell in love with Yamir. Chelsea describes Yamir as “the Justin Timberlake of Neekarwawa” because he wears a lot of oversized knit caps and is in the country’s only boy band. Yamir is willing to leave fame in Nicaragua to be with Chelsea in rural Illinois because even when you’re famous in Nicaragua, who still have to shower with a bucket of water. Yamir’s manager has a HUGE FUCKING PROBLEM with this love affair because 1. he loves Yamir like a son, and 2. Yamir is leaving his bandmates and manager in the lurch for Chelsea and her organic scarves.
Danielle and Mohammed: This is the couple we’re watching for, folks. Danielle is a 41-year old barely functioning mother of 3 normal teenage girls. Mohammed is gorgeous, 26 and from Tunisia. This is the closest to a Nigerian Prince we’ve gotten on the show, and just one episode in, it is clear that hearts and meager 401Ks will be broken. Danielle, who met Mohammed through an international dating site, accepted a marriage proposal via Skype. She then spent her last penny on a trip to Tunisia, met Mohammed in person, came home, and booked his passage to America. Danielle can get through 1-2 sentences without crying, no matter the subject. And she overshares with her daughters, who are being surprisingly cool about Mohammed coming to live with them in Ohio. Mohammed can’t seem to use a cell phone to tell Danielle if he’s made his connection in New York, sending Danielle into baby-talk hysterics, and she brings her entire family to the Ohio airport to try and find him.
Danny and Amy: These two didn’t really get introduced in the Season 2 opener, but I’ve decided Danny is gay. He won’t “kiss with tongue” until he gets married because of Jesus. Amy is from South Africa, which is to say, her accent is too cool for America.
Justin and Evelin: Justin is the king of the mid-level douchebags in San Jose. He lives the bachelor lifestyle in his wall-to-wall carpeting apartment with sunset paintings from TJMaxx, where he spends his days teaching 4th Grade PE and spends his nights drinking beer and watching sports with his bros. And by his bros, I mean himself or his weird, old friend who describes Justin as “Hugh Heffner, Jr.” Evelin is this season’s gorgeous Colombian, who met Justin while he was buying a hot dog at the World Cup Games. She is normal and nice. Justin, meanwhile, hasn’t told a soul that he’s engaged to a Colombian, or as he now thinks of Evelin, his live-in maid. Justin does not have time to do the dishes because “the game is on.” As Justin tells Evelin, “I’m the king of the bedroom, you’re the queen of the kitchen.” If you look up “cliche” in the dictionary, there’s a picture of Justin.
Jason and Cassia: Like Danny and Amy, we don’t see much of Jason and Cassia in Episode One, other than hints that Brazilian Cassia is “volatile” and Jason’s going to make sure she doesn’t beat the shit out of him before getting married. Cassia has 90 days to suppress her violent tendencies if she wants to stay in the USA.
Brett and Daya: The surprise show stealer of the season, Brett and Daya rival Danielle and Mohammed for why we’re watching this show. 31-year old Brett is meek, soft-spoken, divorced, and spends the summers with his 6-year old daughter. He lives with his roommates, two 60-something lesbians with whom he hangs out and plays board games. The roommates (Lou and T) are VERY supportive and nonjudgmental. We like Lou and T. Brett’s BFF is another 60-something woman friend from work, whom he takes on a walk in a park and from whom he demands acceptance of his relationship with Daya. Brett met Daya on an international dating site. He specifically set out to meet a woman from the Philippines because of their “good marriage values, and the women are cute too.” Daya is a straight up bitch, who is pissed when Brett arrives at the airport to pick her up with mixed floral arrangement instead of a dozen gas-station roses covered in glitter. Meanwhile, Brett’s mom, who is younger than all of his BFFs, shoots the entire experience the side-eyes.
Season Two’s six couples seem even better than Season One’s four couples. And by better, I mean more of a shitshow.
As for Season One, we were treated to a one-hour “Where Are They Now” which included 3 happy couples. Louis and Aya chose not to participate, which makes sense as a SND commenter claims Louis is now on Tinder. The whole special required that I hide underneath my cardigan, because each couple was hell bent on showing how how happy they are married for love, and totally not green cards and guaranteed sex.
Alan and Kirlyam attended Alan’s Mormon family reunion in Utah. This year’s theme was “Redneck.” Alan kept announcing that he has a special surprise for the homesick Kirlyam, and it turned out that he set up a Skype chat with her family in Brazil. BIG DEAL ALAN. Alan’s mom continues to overcompensate her disappointment with enthusiasm. But his whole family is weird, as evidenced by their redneck-themed family reunion. They are already rednecks! That’d be like me having a judgmental bitch themed event. I could just come as-is. For reasons we don’t understand, Kirlyam doesn’t really leave the house and she is under the impression that the United States Government won’t let her.
Mike and Aziza are ready to have a baby. Aziza has a job, Mike’s friends are welcoming her, and his horrible, shitty family from last season refused to participate in the special. If you’ll recall, Mike’s mom gets very offended if you don’t eat her paper-plate food, and demanded to know why Aziza couldn’t just meet someone in Russia. The happy couple hope to procreate ASAP, but first they’re off to Russia to meet Aziza’s family. One point of contention is that Mike doesn’t speak a lick of Russian. If you’ll recall, Mike met Aziza on a Russian-language learning site, or as we know realize, a thinly-veiled mail order bride catalog.
Russ and Paola are still the best thing to happen to television. Russ remains clearly gay, but he’s given up his job on the oil rig to spend more time with Pao in their sprawling new home. Pao, meanwhile, wants to go back to Colombia for 3 months so she can get back to work on her stripper-shoe company she co-owns with her brother. Russ and Pao discuss this possible vacation on their inflatable couch. Their bourdoir, however, is painted black, with black tulle hanging from the ceiling. Paola is still stunningly gorgeous, and absolutely delightful. Tas Tas Tas!
Who’s watching? What did I miss?
Until next week, TV friends, may all your commercial breaks be brief!