In case you have a life or loved ones, you might not be aware of the TLC show 90 Day Fiancé, which from henceforth we will call 90DF, because adding accents is hard. 90DF is a show in which four men who have met foreign women (usually online) have them come to the United States on a 90 Day “fiancé visa. The couples MUST get married within 90 days for the women to be able to stay, and we get to follow this incredibly awkward three month process. Allow me to break-down the couples for you:
Mike and Aziza: Mike lives in Cleveland, Ohio, near his horrible, white trash family. His mother is a chain-smoking meth-face who doesn’t like it when guests don’t eat her food. Mike apparently wanted to learn Russian for reasons no one believes, and in doing so, he met Aziza on a language site. Aziza is 21, Russian, and was recently denied a US work visa. Now, after talking online and meeting once in Russia, Aziza has agreed to marry Mike. They finally just slept together in a very awkward scene, and really only after Aziza saw hideous women flirting with Mike. Aziza does not like anyone to watch her eat food. And there is nowhere in Cleveland that Aziza finds acceptable for her “wedding” even though she is 21 and from FUCKING RUSSIA. Basically, Aziza must really want to live in America because she is letting Mike climb all over her and putting up with his sunken-cheeked family.
Russ and Paola: Russ appears to be a homosexual man living in Oklahoma with his very uptight family. He favors deep, deep v-neck fitted t-shirts and sports a faux-hawk. Paola is the real-life inspiration for Sofia Vergara. Paola is literally the sexiest, horniest, sassiest, sluttiest Colombian one can imagine and I love her. The fact that she ended up with the gay guy is basically why God invented reality television. They just moved into a $1200 apartment in Oklahoma, and Russ has to go work in the oil fields, thus leaving Paola to wander around Oklahoma City wearing sexy nurse lingerie from Frederick’s of Hollywood.
Louis and Aya: Louis is a human Eeyore, the saddest chin-goatee wandering around Indianapolis, Indiana with his two chubby children from his previous marriage to the scariest woman in the world. After breaking up with the Queen of the Dark Side, Louis tried international online dating and met Aya, a 30-year old normal person from the Philippines. Aya asks for VERY little, but has expressed interest in a $300 wedding dress, which sent (and I am not kidding) Louis into tears. Louis has asked that Aya wait two weeks until he can get $300. The real story here is the ex-wife, who would really prefer it if Aya not beat her children. What? Exactly.
Alan and Kirlyam: Alan is a Mormon who reminds everyone of a child molester, so its perfect at Kirlyam looks like the world’s most beautiful Brazilian 12-year old. Due to his Mormonism, Alan insists that Kirlham stay with his terrifying parents, so he does not “accidentally” have sex with her. Kirlyam has been in Los Angeles for 2 seconds and already has a modeling agent, which is freaking the fuck out of Alan. Everything freaks the fuck out of Alan. A man in a pirate costume pretending to flirt with Kirlyam on the Hollywood Walk of Fame freaks the fuck out of Alan. Alan is the worst, and my greatest hope is that Kirlyam leave him as soon as possible to go back to 7th Grade in Brazil. Alan is now speeding up the wedding (“Why wait 90 days?!?”) mainly because he’s afraid Kirlyam will run off with a street performer or man working at a photo shoot.
Some have found 90DF so awkward, it’s difficult to watch. That is not the case in my household, where we watch every episode twice in an effort to feel as better about our own love lives as possible. Will any of these relationships last? Is Russ straight at all? Who is the worst of the potential husbands? And is this show offensive? I look forward to all of your thoughts! Until next time, may all of your commercial breaks be brief…