Melanie and Devar: As previously and repeatedly stated, I am very supportive of the Melanie-Devar Groove Back union. Melanie handles her shit, Devar is great with the kid Hunter, Hunter is great all around, and these people seem perfectly happy. Naturally, they have the perfect Disney villain in the form of Melanie’s sister Beverly, who sips a Margarita like it’s filled with shards of glass.
Margarita Bev brought up sexually transmitted diseases. Correct me if I’m wrong, but in all of our 90DF villains/voices of reason, has anyone been like, “You seem like you sleep around to the point of having a disease”? Nope. Margarita Bev is a TLC pioneer! TLC, by the way, is being awfully stingy with the online videos and photos, so I can’t do screenshots. Margarita Bev, however, was worth taking a picture of my TV screen.
Bev’s husband is not permitted to speak. One point to Devar for calling him “Big Guy.”
Mark and Nikki: On Day 2 of 19-year old Nikki’s American Adventure, Mark decided she should meet his 21-year old youngest child, Elise. Elise is our new hero. Elise is not rude to Nikki, but rather seems to view her father with a tolerant side-eye and wisdom beyond her years. Elise’s mom was Mark’s first mail-order bride who he keeps framed photos of but constantly disparages. When instructed to think of something she and Nikki might have in common, Elise was like, “I’m somewhat Filipino. There we go.”
Elise’s Instagram feed is wonderful, normal, and includes photos of her mother who does not appear as insane as described.
Fernando, 39 and Carolina, 22: We finally get to know Fernando and Carolina. Fernando lives with his parents AND is (miraculously) Miami’s premier Cassanova. According to Fernando, he is beating the ladies away with a stick. Carolina is still in Colombia, but all we really care about is Fernando’s mom who wants nothing to do with Carolina and is most concerned with having to make too much rice and say “Good morning” to her all the time. Day after day, morning after morning. Fernando is nowhere to be found in the mornings because he is too busy holding hangers of clothes up to his body in front of a bathroom mirror.
Fernando met Carolina while he was spending the past 10 years traveling back and forth from Medellin. Oh, okay Fernando.
Loren and Alexei: Loren spent the whole episode crying and lighting candles in the middle of the night with florescent lights on. That’s all that happened, and that’s all that will probably ever happen. “If anyone deserves to be happy and together, it’s us.” REALLY? Out of all the people in the world who can’t be together but should be, these two are the most deserving? Tell that to Teresa and Joe Guidice.
Kyle and Noon: Noon has finally seen the shithole that Kyle lives in and expresses a very reasonable concern that there’s no fucking way she’s going to live there – even though Kyle has decorated their roach-infested house in Tibetan prayer flags. The couple goes for a walk along Bourbon Street and Noon is all, “In Thailand, people like to stay in.”
None of this matters however, because Noon will feel right at home as soon as she meets Kyle’s parents. Turns out, Kyle hasn’t seen them in years and refuses to explain why. He is completely estranged from his folks, which might explain Kyle’s need to seek out intense relationships with pony-tailed male friends and foreign women.
The Mormons took a break this episode, probably to attend more formal events at casual restaurants. Bev was not pleased.