The K1 visa shit is starting to hit the fan on 90 Day Fiance, and even without Danielle and Mohamed, this season is getting interesting. Hooray! Other people’s lives are more of a mess than ours. Let’s judge:
Loren and Alexei: Alexie has officially moved in to Loren’s parents’ small 3-bedroom condo in Del Boca Vista, and it comes as no surprise that 1. Loren has the pink shoe chair and 2. She is anal about the cleanliness of her little girl’s bedroom which she must now share with her 6’34” Israeli fiancé. Loren’s dad lays out his cliche’d concerns about audible sex in the house before the whole family -including Loren’s normal sister- sit down to Skype with Alexei’s family in Israel. Lo and behold, Alexei’s family is miserable without him. His brother had a “break-down”, his father refuses to fish without him, and Alexei’s near-dead Grandma is just that much closer to dying because Loren snatched away her favorite grandson like he was the last Kate Spade mug in her initial on sale at Off Fifth. Naturally, Loren was very upset after this Skype call. After all, she is surrounded by her family and friends and fiancé, and Alexei’s family really miss him. This is SUPER HARD ON HER so she locks Alexei out of their room and he must awkwardly mingle with her deeply concerned family after basically telling his Grandma goodbye before she dies. How could he do this to Loren?!?!
As Loren’s mother so stoically put it, “If Loren is not happy, that is not good.” Wait till Loren finds out that the Gilmore Girls isn’t real.
Aleksandra and Josh: The former exotic dancer and the presumably-gay Mormon take a stroll down Main Street, Rexburg which is so desolate, they are literally the only two people walking around. Maybe everyone just ran indoors to hide from Aleksandra’s wrist tattoo so that God wouldn’t strike them blind. Josh knows how much Aleksandra loves to dance so he takes her “salsa” dancing at a strip mall in Idaho. The result was disastrous! Aleksandra hated the awkward experience so much that she raced back to Josh’s Grandma’s house to Skype HER MALE BEST FRIEND FROM ANGOLA. Aleksandra is pretty sure that she is too young to get married and really wants to go back to Prague. This is verbatim. Aleksandra is basically begging the 90DF camera person to free her from Mormon underwear hell like a victim of home invasion who suddenly gets a phone call from an unsuspecting friend and tries to give verbal clues as to what’s really going on.
Nikki and Mark: Nikki is so bored at Mark’s “beautiful” house that she decides to put on her 19-year old reading glasses to clean and rearrange his bookshelf. Mark basically threatens divorce over this. Come ON. He doesn’t have THAT many books. It’s one wall of music, science, and divorce books. If it will make Nikki feel useful to move all the books around, fine. I’m sure Mark will be able to find the “Dating Your Grand-Daighter For Dummies” that he’s looking for. Mark was so upset about this stupid book thing that he made Nikki a virgin strawberry margarita with whipped cream and was like, “Don’t touch my books or I will bury you where they will never find you.”
Melanie and Devar: Ruh Roh. Melanie’s other scary sister shows up with Ursula to grill Devar about his sexual history. These ladies are awfully bold in their segues into, “How many vaginas have you ever touched in your life?” questions. They don’t bother with the time-consuming pleasantries of “How are you liking Pennsylvania?” or “How’s life living with an 11-year old step-kid?” No, the two mean sisters from Cinderella are like, “Nice to meet you. We need to examine your penis for disease.” Unfortunately, Devar is not great at reading these social cues and claims that he’s had one girlfriend ever and never engaged in a one-night stand. Are these questions any of the sisters’ business? No. Is Devar telling the truth? No. The appropriate answer is, “That’s between Melanie and myself as of yet, but I can understand your concern. Oooohh yes. I hope you’ll accept me and get to like me. More lobster?”
Instead, Devar took this opportunity to inform Melanie and her sisters that once he gets a job in 8 months, he plans to send 9 out of every 10 dollars he makes back to his family in Jamaica. Or as Margarita Bev put it, “99%.” MELANIE WAS PISSED! Finances are always very personal and again, none of the sisters’ business. But Devar should have told Melanie that he planned to give ALL of his money to his seven siblings and that she would be responsible for paying all of his bills forever and ever. I’ve been voraciously defending Devar and Melanie in these recaps, much to some commenters dismay. I shall admit that I am starting to turn the tide on this relationship. First of all, one of you mentioned the “Beach Boys of Jamaica” and after sifting through many videos of “Kokomo” I finally found a myriad of articles on the Jamaican men who professionally woo on female tourists. Oooohhh yes. Also, Devar seems quite confident that he shouldn’t have to pay for a thing in America because Melanie can pay for it. His only guilt about not working is not being able to pay for shit back in Jamaica. Devar openly expects Melanie to fund the rest of his life, oh and also, he won’t be doing the dishes.
Carolina and Fernando: Nothing has changed with those two. They’re still suffering through Fernando’s visit to Medallin, where according to SND intel, they used to live together. Carolina takes her female family to pick out a wedding dress and everyone cries tears of sadness over her choice to move to “USA”. Fernando doesn’t know when the K1 visa will get approved, but meanwhile, every time Carolina goes in for a peck, Fernando shoves his tongue in her mouth. Again, this guy is a famous lady-killer with mad game. Fernando is very concerned that Carolina’s perfectly good English is horrible, so he condescendingly teaches her English go-words like, “Miami Zoo.”
We saw nothing from New Orleans Bug House this week, but apparently there is flirting with bar patrons coming up in the next episode. Of course we anxiously await your thoughts and observations in the comments section. Until next time, my 90 Day Friends, may all of your commercial breaks be brief!