Is anyone else truly and deeply horrified by having to watch a few minutes of “Sister Wives” before every episode of 90 Day Fiance? This show is nothing but awkward moments, awkward gift exchanges, awkward court appearances, and awkward Cody-led discussions. Now I feel compelled to watch it – please help me.
As a swamp guide once said 500 times on a tour of the Louisiana bayou, “But anyways…”, let’s get on with 90DF!
Rise and shine, Nikki! Mark’s not on vacation anymore, and he when Mark’s not on vacation, he uses a train whistle to wake up his fiancé. Mark is wide awake, making breakfast and digging graves in the garden. He’s very worried that Nikki is too “sedentary” so he buys her the exact same red convertible he bought his infamous ex-wife. Mark gets to further control the situation by teaching Nikki how to drive said car, because he taught his children how to drive. Mark is now openly comparing Nikki to his children. I realize that some of you have been defending the Mark-Nikki union in the comments, saying that I should have the same “live and let live” attitude about these two that I afford to Devar and Melanie. Uh, no. This relationship does not feel like it’s based on mutual respect and equality. Mark is treating Nikki like a child or a lovable pet with whom he has sex. ALSO MARK IS WEIRD.
Devar and Melanie headed down to Maryland to visit Devar’s ice-cold mother Yvonne. But first these two need to head to the jewelry shop to pick out wedding rings that Melanie’s parents are paying for. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I like these two. Melanie is very direct, and she snapped at Devar which was kind of thrilling. And Devar has a really interesting way of phrasing things. “Melanie hasn’t quite met my mom in person as of yet.” Not quite, Devar! Also, I like the way he’s still in Jamaican resort bartender mode, greeting everyone like his favorite poolside regular and responding to serious questions with, “ooooh yes. Yes indeed,”
Devar has his mom saved in his phone as “Yvonne” which should tell you something about their relationship. Yvonne has to work a lot, and Devar can’t just Prius himself and his white fiancé down to Maryland whenever he feels like it. People call in sick. Paulette the Roommate might have previous plans. Yvonne will let you know when she’s free. CLICK. Yeah, Yvonne is not one for hellos and goodbyes. She would get along well with Fernando’s mom.
True to form, once she allowed them into her apartment, Yvonne was straight-up with Devar and Melanie and said she can’t control who Devar picks, so whatever. Have some fish. Shrug. Side-eye to Paulette.
Josh and Aleksandra head to a Mormon family reunion where they must sit on plastic chairs, hold plates of sodium-packed food, and answer awkward questions about cleavage and cocktails that get set on fire. Why was Aleksandra wearing a bandage on her hand? That’s a bit worrisome, no? Josh’s cousin was “surprised” to learn that Aleksandra’s life in Prague included alcohol, which is the kind of defiant ignorance that is ruining America. But anyways… Poor Aleksandra had to drag Josh’s Forrest Gump-esque mother along to pick out a modest wedding gown, and then ask the shop attendant for a stack of bracelets to cover her wrist tattoo. Aleksandra is very self-conscious about her perfectly normal, party-centric life back in Prague, but I would think converting someone who used to drink (!) and has a tattoo (!) would be a coup for Josh, and a point of Mormon pride. That’s the whole point of the mission, right? Find these crazy sinners with their see-thru shirts and switch ’em to Mormons.
Kyle and Noon spend their mornings snuggling in bed while roommate Bryan wheels his bike back and forth past their bodies (and the homes’ many bugs.) As Noon announced, “I have to clean messy man house.” Kyle gathers up his nerdy collection of friends and takes Noon skydiving while his friends organize a dramatic seen-by-air wedding proposal. To her immense credit, Noon bravely jumps out of the plane and accepts Kyle’s proposal and yellow gold ring. Perhaps this easy-going attitude is all thanks to Noon’s little jar of herbs that she sniffs to calm herself. TLC’s website should sell Noon’s sniff jar!
Fernando has arrived in Medellin to see Carolina, teach her some English, and defend his questionably serious proposal to her family. Someone please explain to me how Fernando is able to woo multiple beautiful women in a lime polo shirt. I just don’t get it. Here’s some weird gossip: Eve and I have been getting emails and Twitter messages about this couple – apparently they’ve already lived with each other in Colombia and have been together for a long time. There’s much ballyhoo that the 90DF producers are editorializing this couple’s reality show relationship. Eh, we don’t really care. If it were Mark and Nikki, I’d be more interested. This is not Watergate, people. This is Season Three of 90 Day Fiance. Let’s keep this right-sized.
We saw none of Loren and Alexei this week, although apparently next week, Loren’s dad/roommate details his sex rules. Also, Nikki touches Mark’s books. EXCITING! Until then, my 90 Day Friends, may all your commercial breaks be brief.