I am over-the-moon about this episode and it didn’t even feature Paul Dolce, Esq. So that should tell you right away that this week brought the drama. Thank you TLC. Yamir and Chelsea, and Evelin and Justin were absent from this week, so we’ve got a whole hour to focus on four gloriously ridiculous couples. Let us get to it, before Brett’s mom calls off the wedding.
Cassia and Jason: Florida Fiasco heads to Shithole Hotel, Las Vegas, where naturally, Jason wants to get married and more importantly, host his bachelor party. Cassia would prefer to have a joint bachelor/bachelorette party, and also, she’s not wild about meeting Jason’s brother, who recently sent a DVD copy of the movie “Green Card.” Upon meeting the brother, who makes Jason look like Marcus Schenkenberg, Cassia asks why he sent the video. SCORE ONE FOR CASSIA’S HUGE BALLS! The brother, whose name I forget and isn’t worth mentioning anyway, responds that he’s old fashioned and doesn’t understand falling in love over Facebook. Clearly, he has not seen “You’ve Got Mail“, which explains everything. Jason’s dad is present, as is Jason’s “step-mother”, who is a delight and chatty and warm and… where the hell did she come from? To WHOM was this woman married? Is she now divorced from Jason’s dad, but still cool about coming to his Nevada wedding? This was unexplained. I feel her presence in the lives of these men was once a gift that they probably ruined. Later, while his father enjoys a Bloody Mary in the evening, Jason gets far too drunk and ditches Cassia with his buddies. Cassia cries and leaves us wondering if the two will make it own the aisle 15 hours later. And what will they do with their matching, “I’m Hitch, Biatch” t-shirts, which I don’t even understand.
I can report that for reasons I can only image, Cassia has blocked me on Facebook.
Mohammed and Danielle: Oh my God, today is the day! Sister Sara points out to Danielle that it’s expensive to get divorced while doing her bridal hair. And Sara’s husband Paul, the couple’s only voice of reason, helps Mohammed get ready with a very kind pat on the back. Paul, who like the rest of the world, knows this relationship to be doomed, is going with the flow and being a good brother-in-law. Brother-in-law Paul and Paul Dolce, Esq. should have their own advice talk show called, “The Pauls.” One of Danielle’s numerous heavily-tattooed friends points out that STATISTICALLY, the couple has a 0% chance of making it work. TLC did a viewer poll, which generously gave the couple a more hopeful 3% chance.
The wedding was sparsely attended by a handful of casually dressed people, and Danielle’s daughter Faith, who is awesome and wore a necktie for the occasion. Faith and her Uncle Paul did a pretty solid job of unconditionally loving Danielle. We should all be so lucky as to have an Uncle Paul and Daughter Faith. Meanwhile, and you totally agree with me, Mohammed looks GOOD in his (borrowed?) suit. Apparently, the Mayor of Bumfuck, OH married the couple, and nervously pronounced Mohammed’s last name. Good for him! He also asked if anyone objected, which I have never seen at a wedding, and had a hint of reality television involvement. When the couple was asked to kiss, Mohammed halted the proceedings and ANNOUNCED that because of Ramadan, he can’t kiss Danielle… this month. At this point in the show, every single viewer screamed at their television screen, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Whatever Mohammed!” He can’t keep this up forever! On the next episode, Mohammed BOLTS. Sans specs, Danielle’s lazy eye emerges as the real star of the series.
Danny and Amy: I’ve got to hand it to them, Danny and Amy’s wedding was gorgeous. Truly. It was lovely. The only weird part of their whole day was the constant discussion of their wedding night, and specifically, the “Sex Torch.” Danny’s creeper brothers made great reference to passing the sex torch, going so far as to obtain an actual tiki torch, make a speech about the couple’s wedding night, and literally pass the torch. Danny’s racist dad was a huge fan of this little sex skit. But the constant sex discussion wasn’t just left to the bros. Danny’s sister-in-law reminded Amy to lower her expectations, and that sometimes, the first time is over really quickly. On the plus side, Danny’s dad gave Amy what appeared to be a sincere hug and kiss on the cheek after the wedding. That is how amazing of a person Amy is; she got a nasty, mean racist to genuinely like her. You can see Danny and Amy’s wedding as it happened on Instagram with the hashtag #FrishmuthWedding. Amy’s last name IRL is Africa. I love Amy!
Brett and Daya: Brett’s young friend/mom showed up early (Surprise!) to help the couple move and prep are for the wedding. According to Brett, tension was clearly mounting, so the day before the wedding and in front of his daughter Cassidy, Brett decided to ask his mom and her jean shorts just what the hell her problem with Daya is. At first, mom blamed the brief engagement and Daya’s lack of biological children as the reason for her hesitation. But we all know Daya burned the mom-bridge when she demanded the engagement ring be checked for authenticity. No mother is ever going to be able to let a slight like that go, no matter how much progress Daya has admittedly made. Naturally, Brett has this conversation within earshot of Daya, prompting a slightly disappointing showdown between two of Brett’s five women (I’m counting Lou, T, and of course, Sue.)
Next week, will Daya/Brett and Cassia/Jason get married? Yeah, probably. But will Chelsea’s mom be able to finish the wedding dress on the day OF the wedding, and will Justin change so that his dress shirt is lighter than his jacket? No, probably not. And will Mohammed leave forever? Well, statistically… there’s no chance in hell.
Apologies for the blurry screenshots. You know what I mean to screenshot, right? What did I miss, what did you love? Comment it UP! Until then, may all of your commercial breaks be brief…
PS: I popped on the BFF.fm radio show, TV on the Radio to discuss the glory that IS 90DF. You can listen to the whole thing here. Thanks to Leah and Jessica for inviting me on!