We’ve waited for months, my 90 Day Friends and the wait is finally over. Fellow naysayers thought Season 3 would be a snooze without Danielle and Mohammed but praise TLC, we were proven wrong! Thanks to Mark and Nikki, this season is looking like the shitstorm I watch for.
As usual, Episode One introduced us to only four of the six couples that will be featured on this season. Drumroll please:
Loren and Alexei, both 27: Loren is only appearing on 90DF because she didn’t get on My Super Sweet Sixteen. If you’re bragging about how bubbly you are, how how much your parents spoil you and how much you love Michael Kors handbags, you are not ready to get married. These two met on Loren’s 10-day Birthright trip to Israel where Alexei was a medic. Pumpkin Spice Latte Loren just planned to sleep with Alexei but then she fell in love and OMG! WTF! LOL! Now, she’s giving up her career as a fast-paced executive assistant in Manhattan and moving into her parents’ condo in Miami, where she and “delicious” Alexei will begin their lives together. For some reason, Alexei can’t come straight to America, so Loren has him fly into Canada because Loren is one of those women willing to make life incredibly complicated so she can see her boyfriend 3 days sooner. Pretty sure Loren has a selfie stick. Pretty sure Alexei doesn’t want to say “I love you” back.
Melanie and Devar, 33 and 28: I can’t help it. I’m rooting for these two. Melanie is a registered nurse from rural Pennsylvania and has shared custody of her 11-year old son. She met Devar on vacation in Jamaica where he was a foxy lifeguard. Devar and the 11-year old seem totally on-board with one another, and Melanie and Devar are two gorgeous consenting adults. Will they die of old age in each others’ arms? No. Can they get married if they want to? YES! Melanie’s sister who is Ursula from ‘The Little Mermaid’ has a big fucking problem with all of this.
Aleksandra and Josh, 21 and 22: Josh is Mormon and gay. He has seven brothers, one sister, two super-Mormon parents, and he met Aleksandra in Prague when Josh was on his Mormon mission. Again, Josh is definitely gay but Aleksandra used to dance and drink so they’re killing two inconvenient birds with one big Mormon conversion stone.
Mark and Nikki, 58 and 19: The age difference wouldn’t be that bad if Mark wasn’t obviously a serial killer or suspect on Law & Order: SVU. Father of four adults, Mark lives in Baltimore, Maryland (where ‘Silence of the Lambs’ takes place) and has his own business renting pianos for special events. (Again, his full-time job is renting pianos for special events.) How many special events in the greater Baltimore area require a piano? Enough to support two adults, and a third in the guest house? Apparently, because Mark’s 21-year old daughter had to move across the backyard and is none too pleased with Nikki coming all the way from the Philippines. Mark’s first wife was also a mail order bride from the same town as Nikki and things didn’t go too well. None the less, now is his time and he’s in love with a 19 year old. This clip is everything you need to know about Mark (zebra-print, back hair, insanity):
There’s so many issues around Mark, it’ll just more efficient if I bullet-point them:
– Weird voice/cadence
– Back hair
– Messy house full of mysterious paperwork
– topless/tank tops
– constant mentioning of ex-wife
– piano rental career
– Sister’s leggings
– Why does he feed the ducks popcorn?
– “My daily routine is to paint life happy.”
– He proposed with a ring made out of a zip tie
– Nikki whispers ‘I love you’ before hanging up on Mark (Is someone listening?)
There was a lot to take in, and we’ve still got two more couples to meet. I’m sure I missed a lot of discussable details, so I’ll leave it to you in the comments. Again, I’d like to reiterate my relief that while this season might end in awkward moments and broken hearts, I think we’ll have a lot of talk about.
Until next week, may all your commercial breaks be brief!