In preparation for next Sunday’s premiere of SEASON THREE OF 90 DAY FIANCE (!!!!!), TLC aired an awkward and half-full update on the Season Two couples. Making the first good decisions of their lives, Brett, Daya, Justin, and Evelyn chose not to participate in the “Where Are They Now” special.
As for everyone else… where are they now?
Chelsea and Yamir are living in Latin music capital of Illinois, Galesburg. We had to revisit the time Chelsea’s parents told Yamir that the local meat packing plan hires Latinos, and the learn that Yamir still does not have a job. Instead, he’s taking English classes and spending all of their money on a self-produced music video filled in a public park. Chelsea owes him, so good for them for investing in Yamir’s dream of being the number one local Latin heartthrob in rural Illinois.
Jason and Cassia just gave us a long and slightly akward interview, so we totally know where they are like, right now. The answer is, of course, selling things for $4 on eBay. It was clear with each of the couples on the ‘Where Are They Now’ special that the producers made them have awkward personal conversations reflecting on their lives for the cameras. I LOVED IT! Also, Jason’s dad totally redeemed himself by 1. speaking directly to Kisses the dog and 2. giving Jason some heartfelt advice about agreeing to move to international jet-set metropolis Tampa.
Danny and Amy had a baby and named him Jesus! Okay, they named him Jedidiah, but it’s basically the same thing. The big news here is Danny’s hair, which is completely shaved on both sides but grown long on top and swooped into a lovely, long tail in the back. It would appear he’s utilizing an exciting blend of hair product, including a moisturizing leave-in conditioner. If only he spent that much time on his breath. Amy’s perfect mother is available on Skype and plans to visit in like, a decade. Danny’s parents were too busy supporting Kim Davis to meet their grandchild.
Danielle and Mohamed are not really kinda still sorta together. If this were not real life, the Danielle and Mohamed story would be my favorite Lifetime Afternoon Movie. According to Mohamed, he needs to go on lots of job interviews out of town and stay with female “friends” he’s met on social media, one of whom now claims to be pregnant. Danielle refuses to believe that Mo might be up to no good, even though her children and sister are convinced Mohamed is bad news. And Mohamed has a 2-year-long restraining order against Danielle’s son Corey for some police incident. I am all for calling the authorities in the event of domestic violence, but I get the impression that as soon as Corey raised his voice, Mo was on the phone with a dispatcher utilizing America’s wonderful 911 emergency response system. Even the only brilliant and sane person in Danielle’s life, her daughter Faith, is sick of Mohamed and his obvious disdain for Danielle. Meanwhile, Mohamed has developed some sort of oral herpes, probably from one of his SOCIAL MEDIA friends, and could not be more disgusted with what his life has become. Here’s a question: how fucking bad it is in Tunisia if living a life he obviously hates is better than returning home? Sometimes you just have to jump and build your wings on the way down, Mohamed!
Paul Dolce was mysteriously absent from the ‘Where Are They Now’ special.
Season 3 starts next week, my 90 Day Friends! Please join us here at Slow News Day as we devour every minute of this excellent televised entertainment.