This week’s Little Women:LA was the episode in which I realize that I no longer look at any of the Little Women as little people, but am now completely and totally invested in their own interpersonal drama. Sometimes they talk about the trials and tribulations of life as a little person, but to me it’s like talking about any other issue each of us are stuck with.
Anyway, this week took us to VEGAS BABY, where Team Bride Traci headed up against Team Bride Christy. A 40-year old virgin, Traci has no problem being a Bridezilla and immediately announces, “As the bride-to-be, I want us to go to the pool.”
Some decent human chimes in, “Christy’s a bride too.” At which point Christy, getting ever-more-normal*, responds, “We can go to the pool. It’s fine.”
Bachelorette night one involves the ladies heading to the bars of Las Vegas, where Traci gets uncharacteristically drunk and the ladies party with a gentleman who may or may not be Dane Cook. It was clear that Vegas douchebags were drunk and just wanted to get crazy with some little people for the sake of their Tinder profiles, but the ladies used them right back. The inappropriateness evened out.
The next day, ever-organized Terra organized a scavenger hunt in which Team Traci would compete against Team Christy. Whichever team made it back to the hotel suite with their list competed first won some sort of gift basket covered in tulle and ribbon. So off they “ran” in efforts to get lap dances from men sitting at slot machines, and condoms from people who don’t speak English.
In the midst of all this excitement, a daytime drunk pats Briana on the head and says “You’re so cute” at which point the cast becomes one big OH HELL NO. In the world of little people, a head pat is basically a challenge to a duel. They are not having it. “Who do you pat on the head?” Briana kept asking. “What type of person would you pat on the head?”
Day drunk responds, “A dog?”
The much more mellow Team Christy won the challenge, much to the earth-shattering, sincerely upset about it Traci. At this point, all of the husbands/boyfriends arrive from LA and Briana is the only one with no-one. At the club (I love that I opened a sentence that way), Briana meets up with one of Terra’s little people performer friends, who is “too short” for Briana. And then* Christy decides she’s been being too normal and rational and talks Todd into getting married the VERY NEXT DAY!
OMG! WTF? YOU SO CRAZY!
Bridezilla Traci cannot even handle the competition and gets even more socially awkward. Why she is still on this show is beyond me. Other than planning her “grand” wedding at a country club, Traci is the nerdy weird friend everyone tolerates but doesn’t invite to the really cool stuff. YOU KNOW THAT FRIEND.
Christy and Todd have a conversation in which neither one of them seem particularly excited to get married in Las Vegas with a bunch of little people reality show stars, but in the interest of building tension, they proceed. We get all the way to the chapel, Todd is standing at the altar with a very cheesy lounge lizard/officiant, and then, like clockwork, Christy appears with her bouquet and veil and motions Todd back down the aisle and behind a cheap hotel partition. Here, the obvious occurs. They agree to have their own wedding (presumably also grand) at a later date so that people’s kin can be included.
The diminutive cast who’ve now spent half their time in Vegas waiting for this wedding all roll their eyes and feign “quell surprise” and that’s the end of Las Vegas. The main take-away from this episode is to never touch a little person on their head. I repeat, never touch a little person about the head.