90 Day Finace has wrapped up, thus ending what I hope is the first season of many for the best/worst reality show of all time. In case you missed my first post on 90DF, catch up here.
Caught up? Great! Let’s talk shit about the couples:
Mike and Aziza: Aziza could barely get through the wedding without throwing up, or so she claimed, but eventually and through much falsely produced tension, seems happy-ish to be married. Or at least as happy-ist as Aziza gets. She’s from Russia. She’s not a smiler. Aziza did manage to eat on camera, which is a big step in the American direction for her. My biggest complaints about this wedding are Mike’s horrible, shitty “friends”, whom I call Best Man and Mom Hair. I think they’re married. Anyway, Best Man and Mom Hair could not be colder or more “concerned.” And apparently, even a decade from now, they’re still going to be “concerned.” Somehow, they can’t figure out why Aziza won’t warm to them. Hmmm, I fucking wonder. Mike’s whiskey tango mother was in attendance. She was not seen smoking meth on camera.
Russ and Paola: Russ quit his job AT THE OIL RIG just so he could marry Pao, whom I thought he has been calling Pal this whole time. As I’ve mentioned, I get a strong gay vibe from Russ, but when the minister started to perform the ceremony, I got a gay vibe from him too. This leads me to believe that I am confusing a gay vibe with an Oklahoma accent and a faux hawk. Russ and Pao had the most normal of all the 90DF weddings. Pao got a sassy bachelorette party, Russ’ people seem to welcome her warmly, and more than 11 people attended the ceremony, which is more than I can say for the other 90DF couples. Russ’ father’s drugstore hair color walked Paola down the aisle, and even sporting her ridiculous over-the-top style, it is remarkable how naturally beautiful Pao is. She makes Sofia Vergara look like Marla Hooch. Why could Paola couldn’t find a nice, shady Colombian billionaire is beyond me.
Louis and Aya: Oh for fuck’s sake, how I hate Louis, the Eeyore of reality television. Louis’ bachelor party consisted of “low key” bowling with his morbidly obese friends, led by his best man Tony who was sporting a t-shirt which proclaimed, “Sarcastic comment loading. Please wait.” COOL TEE TONY. Tony kept asking Louis if he was sure about marrying Aya, and Louis said he was “pretty sure” to much consternation. Then Louis was late for his own wedding to poor Aya, who started to freak out. Hey Aya, this is a blessing in disguise. Unfortunately for his bride, Louis showed up late in his royal blue tuxedo vest with shit on the back and got yelled at extensively by the priest. The priest wasn’t even joking around about it, he was legitimately angry which made for an awkward ceremony. Thankfully, it was attended by 4 people, most of whom appeared to be men with ponytails. The reception was held in a community hall, which was fine, but featured a side bar covered in half-full 2-litres of non-diet soda. According to the show’s post-script, Louis is taking classes and Aya is looking into getting a job. So that sounds real promising. I assume Louis is making Aya return her $300 wedding dress that caused such a ballyhoo.
Alan and Kirlyam: Alan and Kirlyam got married last episode, so the finale featured them on their Hawaiian honeymoon. Alan and Kirlyam managed to have a wedding and get all the way to Hawaii without losing their virginity, so the first thing they do in Hawaii is… head to the beach! There, Alan sees Kirlyam in a bikini top and shorts, and all bets are off! He’s 29! He’s waited a long time to do “the things that married people do.” I have no idea what else happened because I was hiding under a blanket out of sheer horror. I do know that at one point on their honeymoon, Alan sported a white, flouncy tank top. And Kirlyan seems to be quite happy to be married to Alan, even instigating some affection towards him. Brazil must be really, really unlivable.
TLC posted an update with Alan and Kirlyam. Check out a “typical day.” Kirlyan never leaves the house! What about modeling?!?
It should be noted that both Russ and Louis did that horrible biting the garter off the bride’s leg thing. I don’t know which was more awkward. Yes I do. It was Louis, gnawing Aya’s leg with the backdrop of warm Sunkist and chin hair.
90DF ended with unsatisfying updates on the couples when clearly, not enough time has passed for anything to happen. And TLC asked if you or anyone you know is getting a K-Visa to marry a stranger, would you please let them know?
Did you watch? Who do you think will last? And who will break up first? Most importantly, what details have I forgotten to judge? Until next time, may all your commercial breaks be brief!