This season is too embarrassing to watch. Every second of television is so awkward, I actually look forward to commercials so that I can emerge from under the throw pillow I’ve used to cover my face.
Obviously, the most extreme awkwardness award goes to Ashley and David. Ashley decided that she would be a big “NO” to the staying married the second her foot hit the altar. Now she must suffer through six agonizing weeks of pretend trying so that she gets to stay in that fabulous single family home in suburban Atlanta. Seriously, how much do you love that basic bitch dream house? I love it to the moon and back!
The worst moment in the history of David and Ashley’s epic awkward temporary marriage was on Father’s Day when David had his dead dad tantrum and locked himself in the bathroom. Ice-cold Ashley and her eye-liner were like, “Um, I need to study for some nurses’ test. Gotta run.” If I didn’t have to staple my eyelids open to watch these painful transactions, I would’ve started a Twitter account for David’s man-tears.
My dad is alive and one of my BFFs, so I will not pretend to understand David’s clearly fresh pain about his father’s passing. But the dad died when David was 7 years old. He is now a married adult male. A melt-down just because it happens to be Father’s Day seems appropriate for a child, not the primary renter of Ashley’s chalkboard palace.
I find myself moving over to Team Ashley, which is ridiculous based upon her behavior at her own bachelorette party – where she stormed out because male strippers aren’t high class. But David’s neediness is palpable from my Samsung. As my pen-pal Brett once wisely advised, “There is no fragrance as foul as the scent of desperation.”
Then there’s Neil and Sam, who fucking hate each other with the heat of a thousand suns. At this point, I’m just waiting for her to throw something at him while screaming, “Be a man! Put me in my place!” If Neil breathes wrong, Sam will storm out. If Neil sneezes, Sam might burn down the house. Between the Cirque du Soleil acrobatic hobby, bank management, and scented wax melts, Sam’s unpredictability has Neil standing on eggshells unafraid to move. So Sam moved out…
Sam is so aggressive and prides herself on being so, I’m afraid to even type this because she might get mad at Neil for no reason. Meanwhile, Neil is just hiding under his $1,000 dining room table shaking uncontrollably.
And Tres and Vanessa are perfectly lovely and normal, considering they’re on the third season of “Married at First Sight.” They are both so mellow and low-maintenance that there’s not much reality television fodder with these two. I like them and would attend their 4th of July party without hesitation.
As it stands now, David has apparently asked some other woman out for drinks, which kinda makes sense because he is desperate for love and Ashley doesn’t even like him. So that showdown is coming next week to give me extreme anxiety. And Neil and Sam are attending yet another Living Social-style activity to try and force an acquaintanceship between them so they don’t kill each other, which probably won’t happen anyway since they refuse to live under the same roof.
The level of discomfort this show gives me is physically painful. I’m presenting medical symptoms just watching Ashley silently scrubbing her perfect countertops for the 473rd time. Am I alone?