Last night over a lovely dinner out, I asked my significant other how long he thought dinner would take to turn into poop. There was more of an organic segue, but in the interest of brevity, that’s what happened. He said 2 hours.
2 hours! That can’t be right. Proudly, he responded, “I’ve done it in 2 hours.”
I certainly don’t mean to gross you out on your Friday before a long weekend, but let’s face it. Poop is really interesting. For years, I’ve been trying to talk SND-friend Brock Keeling into joining me for one of those water-butt cleanses. I imagine it’s when all the gum I’ve ever swallowed will come out. I also imagine that what goes on DOWN THERE is really reflective of how we feel, day in and day out. Discussing it on Slow News Day seems both appropriate (Slow Poop Day!) and pioneering, at least for someone like me who still excuses myself to “powder my nose.” I get embarrassed buying toilet paper.
So much to the horror of anyone within earshot, I googled “How long does it take food (at this point, Google immediately suggested) to turn into poop?”
Naturally, I clicked on the search result from “Everyday Health” entitled “11 Icky But Interesting Facts About Poop.”
I HAD POOP ALL WRONG!
I scrolled through the facts. “How many times,” I asked, anyone listening really, “are you supposed to fart a day?”
10-18! I’m not saying I’ve never farted (I’ve never farted) but that seems like a lot of farts. That is a fart every hour you’re awake.
Did you know you can get a poop transplant? Hand to God, you can get the healthy poop of someone else transplanted into your colon. Apparently, it works wonders.
To answer the previously asked query, it takes food 6-8 hours to reach the large intestine. So unless something went really, really wrong, no one’s pooping out dinner 2 hours later.
Other facts that blew my mind… much like the Bay Bridge, there should be an S-curve, but it should sink, not float. I thought floating poop was de rigeuer, maps non. If it floats, that means there’s too much fat in your food. Pencil-thin poop could be a sign of rectal cancer, and the keyword to a healthy bowel system is fiber, fiber, fiber.
I’m getting slightly more comfortable discussing this, and slightly more self-loathing. Your thoughts on poop in the comments please!