I straight-up watched this episode hiding under my favorite blanket because Married at First Sight’s weddings were filled with more awkward moments then I have ever experienced in my entire 37 years – and I once had to pee so badly, I went in the cereal aisle of a grocery store. I am no stranger to the horror of humiliation. But this week’s episode was scarier than every episode of “Saw” combined. I fucking hated it.

I don’t. (fyi.tv)

Ashley and David: Ashley, if you’ll recall, stormed out of her own bachelorette party because it wasn’t dignified enough. So there was no way in hell David would be at all satisfactory for someone who both so uptight yet also has allowed a reality show to select her legal spouse.

So the wedding happens and David is a champ throughout the entire ordeal. Ashley began the dramatics on the steps of the wedding hall and upon first sight, immediately finds David unattractive. Without bothering to even force a smile or so much introduce herself, Ashley proceeds to spend the entire ceremony and entire reception passive aggressively letting everyone of her friends and family AND DAVID’S FRIENDS AND FAMILY see just how disappointed she is. You know when a five year old opens up a Christmas present, is disappointed it’s not a loaded gun or something, and openly says so. That was Ashley upon seeing her husband. The first kiss – awkward. David trying to talk to her afterwards – awkward. Ashley’s mom’s open disappointment – awkward. Wedding photos – awkward. And I’m not talking ‘funny’ awkward. I mean painful, cringe-filled awkward moments in repeated succession. Their whole segment was sheer agony. David was trying so hard and Ashley never made eye contact with him. At one point, she excused herself to the ladies’ room for like, seven hours and her friend followed her in there, saying, “Are you super un-attracted to him?” It was that obvious. Ashley’s friends kept saying, one after the other, “We think he’s cute.” But no, Ashley just sat there, holding her mouth like it was full of human feces but she was too dignified to spit it out.

I am too nice for you. (fyi.tv)

Finally, during another awkward wedding moment where everyone clinked their classes so the unhappy couple would kiss, Ashley got a look of terror in her eyes and Dave was THIS CLOSE to shrugging his shoulders and shuffling away – David saved the day by chivalrously kissing Ashley hand. Suddenly, like a sane human woman had overtaken her body, Ashley sincerely beamed and slowly but surely, began to use her words. David’s quick-thinking literally saved the last 15 minutes of his otherwise horrific wedding.

Unsurprisingly, scenes from future episodes show David crying at his father’s grave.

Neil and Sam: If it wasn’t for Ashley, I would’ve said Neil and Sam’s wedding was the most awkward wedding to have ever occurred. Sam does that thing where she makes jokes when she’s really uncomfortable. Hey, I’m guilty too. But she just took it way, way, too far. Neil played along, and quite well, but periodically would try and say something that wasn’t a line from the rejected first draft of a 90s romantic comedy screenplay – and Sam couldn’t answer. Like, Neil could ask, “So where do you live?” and Sam would answer, “Oh, in a cave.” “Oh well great, because I’m basically a caveman. But really, where do you live?” “Why you gotta judge my cave?!? LOL.” This kind of shit happened even during their vows. It was exhausting. So Sam kept this whole routine going until making the rounds at the wedding and Neil introduced his ex-girlfriend. This was a big problem for Sam for some reason. I don’t really know why, as it didn’t bug me that much. My boyfriend, on the other hand, was appalled. So I guess inviting an ex-partner to your wedding is an issue for some people. WHATEVER. They were strangers yesterday, and suddenly Sam is all jealous. For some reason, the girlfriend and the fact that Neil is half-Indian were a lot for Sam to process, and she went out to the hallway to make her best friend cry over it.

Remember that time when you implied you were about to say you wouldn’t marry me? LOL. (fyi.tv)

Tres and Vanessa: These two were ALL over each other, kissing on the lips repeatedly, telling each other how hot they found their partner, and indicating that unlike the other two couples, sex might be happening on the wedding night. However, thanks to some clever editing and a weird, inappropriate surprise plan, Tres stopped the ceremony to take 15 commercial breaks before revealing that – he wanted to officially propose on one knee. At least, I think that’s what happened. The whole skit was very odd.

So now these strangers are married to one another and must vacation as a couple before moving in together and then immediately deciding whether or not to get divorced. As most of us are lucky to know, vacationing with your partner tests a lot of compatibility buttons and spats are guaranteed among even the most perfect, long-term couples. For some reason, packing a passport means packing the drama. I am not looking forward to watching Ashley hold David to an impossible standard next week, but I will. Please do so as well.

Until next time, my First Sight Friends, may all of your spouses be willing and all of your commercial breaks be brief.