Most of the time, we only read the packaging materials in the bathroom because we’re bored while we… TAKE A BATH. But lately I’ve been tuned into the remarkable work on the packages from the Pepperidge Farm family of snacks. Get a load of this prose:
“Voyage to the edge of crisp…
Few things intrigue like the texture of a Brussels cookie. These lacy-thin, crispy cookies encircle a layer of rich, luxurious dark chocolate. Sensational please all around.”
“Voyage to the edge of crisp” is how I will now end all correspondence.
And then there’s “The Art of the Cookie” which appears on many Pepperidge Farm cookie packages. It’s best read in the voice of Lisa Vanderpump:
“Begin with a baker’s soul. Seek the finest ingredients. Explore nature’s infinite variety of flavors and textures – crunchy, sweet, rich… oh, and chocolate. Entertain inspirations. Embrace decadent cravings. Reward yourself. Open, taste, delight!”
Okay, scratch what I said before. I am now ending all correspondence with “Entertain inspirations.” It’s my new Gmail signature.
As a writer (LOL), I want to acknowledge the impressive work done by the team at Pepperidge Farm. These cookie package descriptions are fucking badass. Kudos! (AKA: send me free cookies.) If you’ve got a package of Pepperidge lying around, please leave me any ridiculous Pepperidge Farms Poems (PFP) in the comments.