Get excited. You’ve earned this. Today on True Crime Wednesday, we’re going to discuss the exciting world of prison pen pals and how easy it is to look at their emotional treasures online.
For years, I have fulfilled some sort of sick void in my soul by devouring at various and sundry online sites for connecting with the incarcerated, either for “friendship” or “love.” While I am looking for neither from these rightfully or wrongfully imprisoned criminals, it is SO INTERESTING looking at their personal ads.
Please. Join me.
There are several sites catering to this genre.
PrisonPenPals.net is “the biggest and best” assuming you are looking to correspond with the biggest and best criminals. PPP.net proclaims, “Accept no imitations.” For some reason, I find that really funny. Wisely, PPP.net insists that you click on a disclaimer that advises, among other things, “Prison Pen Pals.com and all of their associates have not investigated & accept no responsibility for the truth or accuracy of any statement made by advertisers and respondents. We strongly recommend that you take appropriate safeguards communicating with the people you meet through our service.”
Oh, because they’re convicted criminals? Got it. Let’s look at some PPP.net “Platinum Ads.” Prisoners can pay (or have someone, presumably another pen pal on the outside) pay for snazzier posts and placement. Check out Billy in Massachusetts. I love that accent! Bill was convicted of “Armed Assault with Intent to Murder” and is Catholic. He’ll get out in 2020 and decries himself as an awesome friend and a great listener. “What I’m looking for in a penpal is a warm, nonjudgmental person who doesn’t play games. All I ask is that you always keep it real with me.”
Billy is not unattractive, has cool tattoos, and probably has a wicked awesome accent.
Olaf is in California and convicted of burglary. “Greetings from the coast of southern California” says Olaf, from jail. Olaf is looking for “And (sic) honest person, loyal, has values and self respect. Is much more, and lives a no-nonsense lifestyle… Oh, ya did I mention must love to laugh…(Smile) :).”
All of these posts have pictures by the way. I’m just not posting them because… these are criminals you guys. I’m walking a personal safety line here as it is. Before we move on to another site, you should buy these pens for your new pal.
Holy Smokes, look at the homepage for Meet-An-Inmate.com! I want to be best friends with this diva behind the bars waiting for your letters. “Receiving a letter is the highlight of the day for most prisoners. Just think of how lonely it must feel at mail call to never hear your name being called, especially after being locked up for several years and family and friends have deserted you. These inmates can’t wait to hear from you! Don’t be shy, give it a try!”
I like the chain-link fence wall art of MAI.com. I clicked on “Newest Ladies” because this site seems to promote hot prison babes more than the others. Here is Barbara, a 50-year old in Texas who is wearing a pink fish-net shirt which does not look prison-issued. She’s getting out in September! “I’ve sown my “wild oats”, and am looking for someone who’s not a “judger” or assumes the worst of me…because of my situation. I have no baggage – I’m single, not married. I love to play with toys!! (Buzz-buzz…)” Barbara!
This one looks very nice and friendly in her photos, which include her back tattoos. “Hi! My name is Sin and I am seeking friendships. I just can’t wait for my freedom. I’m on my fifth year being locked up. It’s so close that I can almost taste it. I’m single (for now.) So, if you are looking for a friend who just wants to have fun, I’m your girl. Just drop me a line and let’s get this party started!”
James says, “Prior to my incarceration, I was working towards a degree in Social work.”
WriteAPrisoner.com is less flashy than some of the other sites but with some interesting additions. For example, there is a prisoner art gallery (which could take up your entire day), and an Inmate Legal Profiles page, where inmates protest their innocence and ask for help. Whoa, check out Ricky Dean Andrews. A brief snippet of his post, “At the time of Ms. M’s death, she had a gold colored watch on her left arm, 4 Xanax pills in her pants pocket, 8 rings on her fingers and a gold-colored chain with a unicorn charm around her neck. Marked as Exhibit A is a copy of a property report from the Davison County Sheriffs Department which lists Ms. M‘s watch and her 4 Xanax pills and which shows that Detective C.L.C. illegally returned these exculpatory items to Ms. M’s mother 2 days after her death. Marked as Exhibit B is a copy of a lawful permission to search form, which clearly shows that I did not give the police permission to search my residence until “4 days” after Ms. M’s death. These items were illegally removed from Ms. M’s body at the scene by the police. It is easy to see through this one…”
Why is “4 days” in quotes?
Friends Beyond the Wall is basically the independent bookstore version of this milieu. Bryan is wearing a tuxedo in his photo. “Upon release I plan on leaving Florida & it’s draconian system behind to start a new life. I plan on starting my own business. I’m a diamond amongst stones & only a stamp away!!”
Javier is wearing what appears to be a button which proclaims, “Hot Stud!” He’s due for release in 2035. Check this: “Hello sexy earthly splendor! Pick me! Oh pleeaasse pick me! I’ll kiss your sexy toes! Whooo-hooo! Thanks for reading my ad. It’s been eight long years since I’ve touched, spoken, or written to a lovely lady on a personal level. So please look at me with patient eyes, because I’m not a Mac-daddy or a Romeo; and may say some corny stuff. But I’ll always make you laugh and feel good, and that’s what’s important… (Affectionate Smile.)”
I think we can end with that one. Needless to say, I could go on forever. And ever. This is endlessly fascinating to me. These people use their real names and photos. You can then cross-reference with Google to read news reports of their crimes. Here are some legal documents on a petition Javier filed. Basically, Javier is appealing everything about his 75-year sentence, as would anyone I imagine. (Affectionate smile.)